January 9, 2006
Twelve Signs You've Got a Bad Equipment Manager

• You bribe the Zamboni guy's son to sharpen your skates.

• When you ask for tape, he replies, "Duct or masking?"

• When handed a broken stick, he pulls out a couple of nails and some super glue.

• Keeps confusing Bauer/Nike with Eddie Bauer.

• When you ask for a new stick, he says, "There are, like, 18 of you and only five on the ice at the same time. Can't you just share?"

• Players can't use glove dryer between periods because he's using it to toast bread for mid-game BLT.

• Apologizes to starting goalie after bad outing, admitting that "maybe I put a bit too much starch in your jersey."

• Fills Gatorade buckets with hot coffee to give the boys more jump.

• Practice pucks are, in fact, Hostess Ding Dongs dipped in lacquer.

• Can't seem to wash home whites without a red towel mysteriously sneaking into the load.

• Blew most of the equipment budget in Vegas, so fourth-liners have to wear bike helmets.

• Heard the coach say how we're all in this together, so he sewed a C on every jersey.