Postcard: Wizard of Sher-wood
not sure what’s going on with college hockey fans this season.
Judging from our overflowing mailbag, there’s a lot of vitriol
already…just a few weeks into the year. There are a lot of
misspelled words and grammatical errors, too, but that’s another
the issue at hand. To steal a line from the Black Eyed Peas, where
is the love? Maybe a heaping helping of the INCH Wizard can start
the healing. Keep in mind that these e-mails have been collected
from the beginning of the season, which explains the timeliness...or
can you rank Harvard above Maine, BU, Michigan, Denver and CC?
Public Library User, Wisconsin
tough to argue with that logic. There are some cogent points in
For me, however, the bigger issue revolves around the sender of
this e-mail. Public Library User? I’m playing a hunch here,
but I don’t think that’s his or her real name. Can’t
you see Public Library User featured in one of those Bud Light “Real
Men of Genius” commercials?
Cue inspiring music.
“Here’s to you, Public Library User. You're fighting
a solitary battle against the fees charged by Internet service providers.
Instead of succumbing to the ogre that is corporate America, you
say, ‘Go to hell, AOL!’ You’re unwilling to integrate
even the simplest computer technology into your home, but that doesn’t
stop you from dispensing your in-depth opinions worldwide while
checking out the most recent issue of TV Guide free of charge.”
For Union to be in the top 20 is ubsurd (sic). The (sic)
beat Merrimack, who is mediocre, and American International who
is terrible. I agree with Michigan State dropping out of the top
20 with a humiliating 2 game sweep by Ohio State, in which they
were outscore (sic) 9-1. Denver needs to be moved up. They are underrated
exteremly (sic). The (sic) swept Northeastern, who is mediocre.
Also, you have Dartmouth at number 13?! They haven't played anybody
yet. Watch for a Minnesota collapse in a couple weeks against Denver.
They will also lose January 2nd and 3rd against BU. I picked BU
against North Dakota in this year’s championship game with
North Dakota prevailing. Watch out for that.
John Lucas; St. Louis
Umm…where do I start with this? There are some
decent observations here, John, but it seems as if Robin Williams
organized your thoughts. But thanks for the e-mail. Can’t
wait to hear from you in the future. In fact, I’ll watch out
is this Husky running from?
Michigan struggling to get past Quinnipiac and Cornell being idle;
why doesn’t Denver move past both of them after two convincing
wins over Northeastern? Thanks!
Raymond Juan, Jr.; Denver
No disrespect to Huskies fans, but isn’t pretty
much every win over Northeastern convincing?
Two trains – one in Minneapolis, the other in
Grand Forks – leave at the same time. The northwest-bound
train is traveling 35 miles per hour but must make three 10-minute
stops. The southeast-bound train is moving at 30 miles per hour
and makes only one five-minute stop. If the southeast-bound train
reaches its destination first, will Zach Parise score more goals
than Thomas Vanek this season?
Dan; Rugby, N.D.
I don’t know. I have no opinion
am a big friar (sic) fan and i (sic) think the friars (sic) should
get a little more recognition for wut (sic) they have done this
year. They (sic) lost only once and the team they lost to was more
powerful and if losing 1 game to a better foe knocks a team out
of the top 15 in this poll then this poll realy (sic) isnt (sic)
that great no offense but they really should have been ranked higher.
seenin g (sic) minnesota (sic) ranked a couple spots higher is also
madening (sic) because they dropped 2 straight games to a weaker
foe and they have a record of 1-3. maybe if they do better in a
few weeks then they came (sic) earn there (sic) spot on the list.
Thank you for your time.
Au contraire, Friar Fan. We’ve given Providence
plenty of recognition this season. Of course, 95 percent of it centers
on the school getting rid of the classy Skating Friar in favor of
the new logo, which looks like a hooded Dick Tracy. Like John Lennon
said, Friar Fan, instant karma’s gonna get you.
How could you leave out Eric Gagne, this year's NL Cy
Young winner, as a baseball player who would look good on skates?
How about Hall of Famer Ferguson Jenkins (from Ontario)?
Ed Moller; Needham, Mass.
Ed. In fact, Gagne, a Montreal native who grew up playing hockey,
was on the Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio a few weeks ago. The Los
Angeles closer hung up his skates a couple years ago, but said he
would’ve liked to have been a solid two-way player in the
mold of Michael Peca.
Jenkins could be on our team, too. We just won’t let him room
with Kevin Stevens.
you kidding? East Coast bias is thriving. Give me a break, will
ya? Seven out of the top 10 teams are eastern schools. Year in and
year out, Eastern colleges are overrated. Do a little more scouting.
UMass couldn't beat Michigan Tech, for crying out loud. You guys
need to spend a little more time watching WCHA and CCHA hockey for
crying out loud. Your rankings are worthless.
it's a word...it means "livid hockey fan."
going to come clean. I live near the East Coast…of Lake Michigan.
And during my time here, I’ve developed a number of biases.
For example, the East Coast of Lake Michigan is much better than
the West Coast of Lake Huron.
I would much rather watch a hockey game at Ewigleben Ice Arena in
Big Rapids than in, say, Port Huron. The snow generated by the Lake
Michigan effect rates highest nationally in fluffiness and shovel-ability.
Of course, the East Coast pales in comparison to the Gold Coast
of Lake Superior, which runs from the Keewenaw Peninsula to Marquette.
On a totally unrelated issue, what’s up with your last name?
No disrespect, but it looks like someone shoved a bunch of Scrabble
tiles up their nose and sneezed. Triple word score!
Why is Maine ranked number 2 when they have they lead
the nation in offense and defense and have a 5-0 record, while North
Dakota is ranked number 1 having played only 3 games and lost one
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY PUT SO MUCH WEIGHT INTO A TEAM THAT IS ONLY
2-1 WHEN MAINE HAS BEATEN BOTH MINNESOTA AND WISCONSIN AND STANDS
AT 6-0. APPARENTLY YOUR (sic) NOT THE ONLY ONES OVERLOOKING THE
BEST HOCKEY TEAM IN COLLEGE, MAINE'S OWN WEB SITE ONLY GIVES THEM
A PARTIAL PAGE ON THE WEB SITE…AT THE BOTTOM…WITHOUT
MUCH SAID. WHEN IS THIS PROGRAM GOING TO GET THE RECOGNITION IT
Brett Thayer; Minot, Maine
Very good questions, guys. And, for the first time,
we’ll take you inside the INCH World Headquarters war room
to shed some light on how we deal with such pressing matters.
populated, dense forests
populated, no forests
Dakota. Movie serial killers don’t victimize teens lost
on the prairie.
Maine's reminds us of the Masters, but North Dakota's reminds
us of donuts.
King's voice was in an episode of the "Simpsons".
I've seen black bears. They eat out of trash cans.
Kariya's the bigger star, but he never offered a cop a billion
force of nature
DEET won't keep rising river out of your rumpus room.
that don't go to class
Dakota. No one forfeits wins for being dumb.
Durable outdoor clothing always beats managed health care.
from the Red Pepper in Grand Forks.
Dakota. You ever tried to get a lobster at 2 a.m.?
OOOPS! You keep forgetting to put that asterisk next to
Minnesota every time you mention their two national titles. You know
– the one that signifies getting a power play in overtime of
the championship game on home ice for a penalty that had no bearing
on the play.
Celia; somewhere in Maine
Hauser's response: "Kiss my asterisk."
Let me preface
my remarks by saying that Minnesota supporters, like a number of
fans across the continent, have been great to us. But I have to
side with the Maine fans on this one. It’s not because I disagree
with the penalty call in the 2002 title match. Regardless of the
call, it’s my opinion that the better team won.
said, when a Maine fan decides that something needs an asterisk,
it must be true. Seriously, they know asterisks – witness
12 victories in 1991-92 and 11 wins and three ties in 1993 –
94 forfeited for using an ineligible player. Who am I to argue with
a question for the INCH Wizard? Send it to email@example.com.