• Left monastery for long-term relationship with Demi Moore.
• Holed up in office finishing TPS reports for Vatican.
• Hanging out at gentlemen's clubs with Mo Vaughn.
• Loophole in contract allowed him to ditch Big East for ACC.
• Hasn't been seen since Halloween night, when someone accidently mistook him for Grim Reaper.
• Offered prominent role in movie directed by fellow Rhode Island natives, the Farrelly brothers.
• Signed a deal with the Devils and will be managing the salary cap next year for ex-Friar coach Lou Lamoriello.
• Sharing a Florida retirement home with the California Golden Seal and the Hartford Whaler.
• Went into hiding after unfortunate results of "colorization" experiment.
• Negotiating with Theo Epstein to become the next manager of the Boston Red Sox.
• Starring in new reality show "I'm a Cleric...Get Me Out Of Here!"